The Aeneid: A Parody
by Amorina Deanna
Summary: A parody/screenplay based on my translation of Vergil's work.  Rated M for language.
1. Cast of Characters

The Aeneid: A Screenplay/Parody

**Cast of Characters:**

Aeneas:

Dido:

Priam:

Achilles:

Juno:

Venus:

Jupiter:

Neptune:

East Wind:

West Wind:

North Wind:

South Wind:

Sailor One:

Achates:

This chapter will be continually changing. After each chapter, you can review with the actor's name that you think fit each character. I will update the cast of characters with those names that I choose from your ideas.


	2. Book One

**Book One:**

**Juno**: Look at those damn Trojans! I hate those fuckers. Why won't Jupiter let me kill them? Athena got to do mad stuff to Ajax and all that he did was disgrace her temple. She impaled him on a huge rock and lit him on fire. But, the fates forbid me to do anything.

Hmm. Maybe I can get around that.

**Aeolus:** I am here in my awesome mountain castle with the winds.

**East Wind:** Whoosh!

**West Wind:** Whoosh!

**Juno:** Yo, Aeolus! So, you know my brother and husband, Jupiter. He's that dude who gave you power over the winds.

So, there are these men that I hate. They are sailing on the Tyrrhenian Sea. I need you to let your winds go, Aeolus. Sink those ships, kill those men and scatter their bodies in the sea. I know these fourteen girls. They are Nymphs. The hottest of them all is Deiopea. I will marry her to you and she will give you beautiful children.

**Aeolus:** Your wish is my command. Winds, go! (aside) I guess I better do whatever she wants. She is pretty powerful, after all.

**North Wind:** Whoosh!

**South Wind:** Whoosh!

**Aeolus:** Okay winds. Go and wreak some havoc.

**Winds:** Whoosh!

**Aeneas:** Oh shit! Look at those motherfucking winds! Look at those waves. Damn, they're big! I don't wanna die at sea! Mommy!

Oh, I wish I had died in the war. Tydide, why couldn't you kill me? Why couldn't I have died with Hector and so many men whose bodies and weapons the Simonis River rolls in her murky depths.

Oh my men. My poor men! You have been with me through thick and thin. Goodbye, men! (sobs) It has been great!

**Winds:** Whoosh!

**Waves:** Splash!

**Neptune:** Who let the winds out?

**Thunder:** Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

**Neptune:** Wiiiiiinds! What the fuck is going on here? Calm the hell down! What made you think you could make a storm like that? I _own_ your asses! Tell Aeolus he is grounded! He has to stay in his lofty mountaintop.

**Sailor One:** Land ho!

**Aeneas:** Achates, make a fire and then come with me. The rest of you, make food.

**Achates:** Look, a stag!

**Stag:** Dead.

**Sailors:** Nom, nom, nom.

**Aeneas:** Men of mine! We have made it through so much and you all are great heroes. You made it through the Cyclops and Scylla. Now, we must continue on ahead. Do not think of all the comrades we have lost; they are of little significance compared to _our _lives. The fates promised us a great many things. We must continue on to bigger and better things.

**Venus:** (Simpering) Oh, Jupiter! What is going on? You promised me, oh powerful one, that my darling son Aeneas would get to Italy. He was supposed to be a _ruler_! What happened? Whey the storm? Why has he not yet reached Italy? He has worked so hard and Troy has fallen, and, still, my Aeneas gets nothing!

**Jupiter:** Chillax, Venus. I got this all figured out. Let big daddy Jupiter handle this. (to Mercury) You, boy! Bring that damn message to Dido! Let her know that Trojans are coming and that she should welcome them.

**Mercury:** Yes, sir!

**Aeneas:** Achates, let us go and explore this strange place.

**Achates: **Yeah! Let's check out the woods over there.

**Venus:** I am a Carthaginian girl. That means I can be a hunter and wear short skirts. Have you seen any of my sisters?

**Aeneas:** You're hot. Are you a goddess? Or, maybe a nymph? Well, anyway, can you tell us where we are?

**Venus:** You are in Carthage. There are other countries around but it is _way_ too tedious to list them all out.

The queen here is named Dido. She was married to this dude named Sycheus when her brother, Pygmalian killed him and hid the deed. Then, one night, Sycheus was in Dido's dream. He told her that he had been murdered, where there was mad amounts of booty and to run away from Pygmalian. She took some other people with her and they started up this city in this place.

**Aeneas:** Damn!

**Achates:** Damn!

**Venus:** Yeah. I know. Now, keep going along the path. (She begins to walk away)

**Aeneas:** (Realizing who it is) What the fuck! Why do you screw me over like that? MOM!

**Achates:** I guess we better go get everyone else.

**Aeneas:** Yeah…

_The Trojans proceed on to the city of Carthage where they are amazed at it's fabulousness._

Don't forget to review with actor ideas!


End file.
